Renato Rizzuti

Star date 3,142. Captain’s Log: My name is Captain Claudio Cosmo, Commander of the space ship S.S.S. Capicolo otherwise known as the “Cap.” The S.S.S. stands for “Special Space Ship.” I have traveled across the newly expanded universe. It is newly expanded since space exploration has reached unlimitless possibilities and the discovery of many new worlds.

You see, my ancestors back on the Planet Earth in the year 2009 were not doing a great job of harmoniously living with many different races and cultures on the same planet. As new inhabitable planets were discovered over the course of time, various ethnic groups left earth to start their own worlds.

Since I am a member of the Intergalactic Brotherhood of Space Explorers or the I.B.S.E. and have gone through intense psychological testing at the Academy of Universal Love, I have been a welcome visitor on many of these planets. I have been on quite a few of these planets where the ethnic group flourishes with communal harmony.

Given my Italian name, I chose to explore my own supposed ethnic background which is rather questionable since I was born in the laboratory of the I.B.S.E. of genetics unknown to me. We are born that way because we are known as “Children of Love” and have a universal love for all inhabitants of all worlds across the universe. We have no official known biological ties to any ethnic group which makes us free of any favourtism and also free of any prejudice.

I had heard about Planet Italia on UCN which stands for “Universal Cosmic Network.” Apparently, the first person to land on what was to become known as Planet Italia was Salvatore Semolina and his extended family. Salvatore was a very rich pasta manufacturer on the Planet Earth. He produced the wildly popular “Never Say Basta Pasta” brand which means “Never Say Enough to Pasta.” Salvatore was later joined by his many friends and relatives who with the aid of some good Italian wine had enough new “bambinis” or “children” to start a new population of Italians on Planet Italia.

I set my UPS for the coordinates to Planet Italia. UPS stands for “Universe Positioning System.” I set the ship’s speed to warp speed and was well on my way before you could say “pasta e fagioli” which means “pasta and green beans.” The next thing I knew, I was landing on the Planet Italia Pizza Pie Landing Pad at the spaceoport. A spaceoport is a modern version of what you used to call an airport back on Planet Earth.

I did not have to worry about communicating in Italian even though I spoke only English. You see, I had a tiny instantaneous translation device implanted in my brain. The TITD as it was called was connected to my ears and vocal chords. So if they spoke Italian to me, I would hear it in English. If I spoke English to them, it would be audible in Italian thanks to the device. So basically I could communicate in any language which was in keeping with my “Citizen of the Universe” status.

As I got off my spaceship, the ambassador of Planet Italia was there to greet me with a warm welcome consisting of a kiss on both cheeks and a nice hug. His name was Pietro Pepperoni but since he bared a strong resemblance to the late great Italian singer Luciano Pavarotti, he nickname was Pav short for Pavarotti. We then stepped into his hybrid limousine which ran on oxygen particles from the planet’s air. Talk about environmentally friendly! Our short trip led us to Ristorante Mangi Bene which means “restaurant where you eat well.” We took our time looking at the extensive menu.

Apparently, Italian food scientists had processed all Italian food so that it was nutrient enriched and vitamin enriched. They had also removed all the caloric content of the food. Therefore, you could eat all the Italian food you wanted and not gain a pound. This was my idea of heaven! We chowed down on a delicious meal of Antipasto Misto all’Italiana, Rigatoni alla Contadina, Calamari alla Griglia, Scaloppina al Marsala con Funghi, Sorbetto al limone, with a bottle of Chianti Classico. We continued our chat over some espresso coffee.

The next place we went to was the Flying Ferrari factory. This is where they made small flying vehicles with Ferrari engines of course. People could use these to fly at warp speed across the planet. The vehicle came in a sporty two seater model or the popular SUFV model. SUFV stands for Sport Utility Flying Vehicle. The magnificent machines looked great and were very practical for fast travel across the planet. We were given the latest model to use for the rest of our tour of Planet Italia.

We then flew to the Bella cosmetics company’s factory. Cosmetic scientists had developed beauty products made from a combination of olive oil and grape extracts. The beauty cream that was produced gave every woman who used it flawless and radiant skin. The cream was so effective even some men were sneaking some of it from their wives’ supply to use on their own skin. The company’s slogan was, “Bella ti fa bella.” This translates as “Beautiful will make you beautiful.”

Pav then took me to watch a soccer game. It looked like a real old time game as we were watching it but that was not the case. You see, even though the players looked and acted normally, they were actually robots made by the RSP Company. RSP stands for Robotic Soccer Players. They were so realistic that they actually were sweating like real human players would. Their behaviour was normal in that they argued and swore at the referees. Even though they were built so that they were virtually indestructible, they fell to the ground faking injuries just to stop the play! That’s a real realistic touch!

Then in blink of an eye or warp speed we landed at the Salute Vino compound. First we went into the fields to view the amazing Vino trees. After many years of grape research and development, they had actually produced a Vino tree that grew grapes that could be eaten as fruit while the sap from the trees was extracted as fermented grape juice or completely drinkable wine! White wine came from the white Vino trees and red wine came from the red Vino trees. They even developed a hybrid red and white Vino tree that produced rose wine. We sat and sampled the refreshing wine into the early evening. Pav suggested I come for dinner at his residence and then spend the night there.

Pav’s place was a magnificent home befitting the Ambassador to Planet Italia. All the floors were a space age ceramic that never wore out or required cleaning. All the ceilings were what were known as “Michelangelo” ceilings with beautiful art work reminiscent of the great Michelangelo’s work. There was a wireless, speaker free, sound system that played classic instrumental Italian songs in the background. I then met Pav’s family. Pav’s wife was a stunning Sophia Loren type with incredible charm and poise. Pav’s daughter Maria was an amazingly beautiful younger Sophia Loren type with glorious raven coloured hair and porcelain skin.

That night I dreamed of falling in love with Maria and raising a family on Planet Italia. I awoke in the middle of the night to realize that I was married to my Intergalactic Mission although it certainly was a pleasant dream! I decided at that moment to stay on Planet Italia for a few more days to explore all the wonderful sights. It sure looked like the people on Planet Italia were enjoying life to the fullest! Thus ends my preliminary log entry about Planet Italia. Good night, or as they say here, “Buona notte.” Captain’s Log over and out!